7 Ways to Irritate an Online Retailer

After years of dealing with relatively small online retailers and being one myself, I get to hear a lot of the rants about some of the most annoying customer behaviors.  I personally find them amusing–as long as I’m not dealing with them.  If you have nothing better to do and want to irritate the living crap out of one of the dot com stores out there, here’s how:

1.  Pretend you can’t read their store policies. A lot of customers either like pushing the limits of a store’s return policy for fun, or they think they’re exempt from having to follow the rules. Regular product returns are sometimes annoying enough as it is, but when customers try to test your patience by trying to return something that is not eligible for return/exchange because it’s dirty, used or smelly, has gone beyond the return period by 2 years, or even something purchased from another store, it just drives retailers up the wall.  Constantly buying and returning stuff from them is just as equally annoying.  Store policies are there for a reason.  It specifically states what the retailer can and can’t do, depending on how much losses they can afford to eat.  Usually, the bigger the store, the more lenient the policies tend to be.  Small stores simply cannot always afford to eat the costs that big merchandisers can just easily write off as the cost of doing business.  If you don’t agree with how they decide to do business, just go somewhere else.  Don’t make them have to bend their rules just for you.

2. Make ridiculous requests like asking them to price-match non-existent deals or requesting for free stuff or samples. While some stores do explicitly advertise that they price-match, if the store you’re shopping at doesn’t offer such a thing, don’t ask.  Asking them to price-match just sends them the message that you think they’re desperate for a sale.  In our industry, we get people emailing us promising to buy several dozen diapers and that they will be referring us to all their pregnant friends if we gave them a sample that typically retails for over $18.  You’re basically insulting our intelligence by doing this because there’s probably 50 other people ahead of you that has sent the same request that day.  Seriously folks, do you actually go up to your grocery store, grab a bag of chips and ask them if you can have it for free and that you will shop there if they let you have it??  Will you go grab a pack of toilet paper and tell them you’ll buy from them forever if you like the toilet paper??  Or if they can match the price the dollar-store is offering??  If you can’t do it in real life, don’t do it online.

3. Take up 2 hours of their time and then buy the products from the store that sells it cheaper. A lot of our retailers have very highly informative websites that they’ve put a lot of time and effort into and just love helping customers navigate their way through the complex, and sometimes intimidating options of cloth diapering.  While most of them do it from the goodness of their hearts, they also hope that you’ll buy from them out of the goodness of your heart.  Employees at big retail stores or online stores get paid regardless of if you buy from them or not.  They can talk to you all day for all they care.  But small online stores that are mostly 1-man (or woman) or family type operations don’t get paid by the hour.  If you appreciate the help they give you, show it by buying from them.

4. Act like you’re their only customer and that they have nothing else to do. This includes calling them late at night, on weekends or to ask about the status of your order an hour after you just placed it.  Some online stores may not have as much sales as Amazon, but that doesn’t mean the owners don’t have a life.

5. Gripe about how they’re making money out of you. People often like to tell retailers how much shipping should cost, or that they know how much they purchased their merchandise for, so they are ripping people off by marking it up.  Heaven forbid they actually make money!!  Yes, you’re the almighty customer, but that doesn’t give you the right to determine how much profit a business should make.   If you don’t agree with the prices, just move on.  There’s no point in harassing retailers about their prices or complaining about it.  Just because some online stores are operated at the owners’ homes, doesn’t mean they don’t have expenses to cover, much less mouths to feed.  Unless you’re shopping at a non-profit organization, expect to pay more than what it costs them to actually operate.  Some stores like (or need)  to make money, and for whatever reason, some stores don’t.

6. Threaten them with a bad review or a complaint if they don’t give you what you want. If you really want to annoy an online store owner, this is one sure-fire way to do it.  You’re basically cornering them unfairly into giving into your demands.  Nobody wants a bad review, ever.  They’ll either give in to what you want them to do while secretly cursing you and every living creature related to you, or they’ll just ignore you.  Now this only applies to non-fraudulent transactions.  I do realize that there are fly-by-night stores that are just out to make a quick buck.  The more established stores will probably just ignore you, especially if they know they’ve not done anything wrong.  This is usually a sign that you’re being unreasonable.  If you really have a legitimate complaint, be nice and polite about it.  State the facts as they are and leave the threats out.  You’ll have better chances of getting a favorable response that way than acting like a whiny brat.  Trust me, most stores don’t exist to intentionally make your life miserable.

7. Be rude, call them names, complain about the typo error on their website, or how their incompetence has ruined your life. Is your life really that bad??

Let’s face it, a lot of customers feel 10 feet tall when they’re hiding behind their computers and tend to do/say things they wouldn’t otherwise do when they’re dealing with you face to face.  Many customers don’t realize there’s a human being with their own thoughts and emotions reading and processing customer emails and issues.  I think a lot of people have taken the “customer is always right” mentality to a whole new level.  Bigger retailers can afford to spend much more to woo a customer by giving price breaks, free shipping, free returns, free samples, free everything and the kitchen sink, plus unlimited phone counseling.  But not with a mom & pop-type operation that depends on the profits of each sale they get and are trying to juggle time between their business and family life.  We all want that personalized customer service that a small retailer can give, but too many expect to get the benefits that big stores offer.  Sometimes it’s just not possible.  You either get one or the other, not both.  Some stores can figure out how to offer both and still stay in business, and that’s great.

I’m not trying to make being small as an excuse for poor customer service.  Neither am I trying to bash our customers.  My point is that we all need to shop more consciously and be mindful of our actions.  We all need to stop thinking that somebody else will foot the bill.  A website is not just a website, there’s a person making it work.  An online store isn’t a robot, there’s a person filling orders for it that may sometimes accidentally make mistakes.  An email recepient is not a punching bag.  There are some things small online stores just can’t grant you.  Sometimes there are things you would normally expect that even a big operation can’t or won’t grant you now.  But that’s no reason not to support them if they can give you what you actually really NEED.  When the big corporations are going bankrupt and begging for bailouts, many people don’t realize that it’s the small businesses that will get the world out of the financial mess we are in.  As I always tell my 2 boys, let’s all just play together nicely.